things you said after i ran out the front door
by loofahlover
Summary: After Zoro and Luffy get into an argument, Luffy runs out into the pouring rain. Neither is prepared for the consequences. Zolu Week 2015. Warnings: depression, major character death, suicide.


Zoro was hungry and tired, but mostly tired, as he hauled himself back toward his apartment. He could hear an insistent beep coming from inside, but he pretended the sound was coming from the neighbors. Up until he opened the front door, and the beeping became unbearably shrill. Too shocked to even feel anger, he moved on autopilot toward the kitchen, which had practically been flour-bombed. There was a week's worth of dirty kitchenware scattered from the sink to the kitchen table, even though he had just washed all the dishes last night. Luffy, the obvious culprit, was bouncing on his toes and grinning. He stood in front of the counter, shielding something from view.

"Hey Zoro, happy- where are you going?"

Zoro was turning toward the door, before the stifled expletives could escape his mouth. "Out. I don't have the energy for this shit- ACK!"

Luffy yanked Zoro back by his collar, nearly strangling him. "No wait! Why? I thought you were done with work!"

"I was... until you completely trashed our place!"

"It's not that bad." Luffy made a quick glance around the kitchen, obviously not seeing the same sight as Zoro. "More importantly, now that you're here, we can celebrate!"

"Celebrate what? The fact that I've been working for fourteen hours straight?" Zoro knocked the smoke alarm onto the floor with a well-thrown shoe, but the infernal device wouldn't stop beeping.

Luffy started to frown. "You don't have to be that grouchy."

"Grouchy? I'm grouchy?! How can I not be, when I'm always stuck cleaning up your damn messes?"

"I was gonna-"

"Never. You never do. Just like you never respect privacy. Just like you always wreck something in the process of having "fun". It's just what you DO!" With his last utterance, Zoro furiously stomped on the smoke alarm with his other shoe, silencing it.

Luffy opened his mouth to retort, but couldn't come up with anything.

"See?" Zoro rubbed at his tired eyes. "Just. Leave me alone, ok? All I wanna do is go out, get shitfaced drunk, and sleep until noon."

"Don't," Luffy muttered. Upon yanking open the fridge door, he retrieved a six-pack of Zoro's favorite beer. He slammed it down onto the counter, glaring at Zoro.

"You can get shit-faced at home." Luffy continued talking as he headed toward the door, retrieving his sweatshirt from the sofa and pulling it over his head. "And you can sleep until noon and eat your stupid cake without me. I hope it gives you diarrhea, YOU FATHEAD!" Luffy's yell echoed in the foyer before he left, slamming the door shut.

 _Cake?_ Something nagged at Zoro's mind as he snapped his phone open and checked the date.

He let out a groan. Of course. He never bothered to remember his own birthday, but of course Luffy would. He tried calling his boyfriend, but the ringtone started drifting from somewhere in the kitchen. Zoro eventually found the phone well-hidden under a bag of flour. So much for that idea. He cracked open a beer, quickly finishing it with a satisfied exhale; he'd really needed it after today. He could have easily finished off the whole six-pack, but the guilt of continuing without Luffy made him store the rest in the fridge.

Finally, he went over to look at the ominous-looking cake on the counter. He could see some burnt edges peeking out from a mound of whipped cream and dinosaur-shaped sprinkles. He chuckled as he put that in the fridge too, licking the frosting off his fingers.

It wasn't until Zoro landed heavily on the sofa that the regret really started to hit him. Usually he'd give in to Luffy's selfish whims. Just like Luffy seemed to delight in something about his surly, antisocial personality.

So for now, he'd wait for Luffy to come back. He would eventually doze off, then wake up at the sound of the lock turning. He'd end up apologizing at the same time as Luffy, because neither of them had really wanted this fight; then they'd probably laugh about it. He would pull out the cake, saying he couldn't start it without Luffy. He'd watch the guy's face light up. He would choke down Luffy's attempt at baking, with the help of a few beers. If he got diarrhea, then so be it. Thankfully, Luffy had an iron stomach. Then they would pass out in each other's arms, full and drowsy.

With those calm reassurances in mind, Zoro settled down for a nap.

* * *

"The truck was pulling out of the alley. According to the driver, the area was noisy, and last night's rain made for bad visibility. He hadn't even heard a scream or anything. It wasn't until he felt the truck hit a bump that he went out to check and, well, you know what happened." Officer Smoker looked up from his notepad.

Zoro gave an emotionless nod.

"His brother's already stopped by the coroner's to identify the body. But he thought I should let you know." Smoker turned to leave, but paused. "I'm sorry." Then he walked away.

"So that's what happened," Luffy said quietly from behind Zoro.

Zoro didn't say anything in return. He closed the door and slowly made his way to the sofa. Once he sat down, he threaded his fingers through his hair and started to pull, tighter and tighter, threatening to rip off his entire scalp.

"Quit it, Zoro," Luffy begged him. He held his hand out with a slight twitch. Maybe this time, it would work. Maybe this time, he would be able to reach Zoro.

But once again, his half-translucent hands passed straight through Zoro's body. Like a screwed-up magic trick.

* * *

It was a clear day; the sky was intensely blue, with a slight chill in the air. Everybody that Luffy knew was present; it should have been a great reason for a party. Luffy smiled a bit at the possibility.

But no. They were so serious, like they were attending someone's funeral.

Ah, that's right. They were attending his.

It should have been funnier, or sadder. Or something. But it only made him feel disjointed, with the realization that he shouldn't be here.

After the ceremony, Sabo made his way over to Zoro, his face taut with fury. "He shouldn't have been out that late at night."

"Sabo, wait," Koala tried to hold him back by the sleeve, "Zoro had nothing to with this."

Sabo shook her off. "You said you would protect him! That's the only reason I trusted him with you!" Without warning, he pulled his fist back, then smashed it against Zoro's jaw. "Well, good job with that!"

Zoro staggered a few steps back. He quickly righted himself, prepared for more blows to come. Instead, Sabo tightly gripped the edges of Zoro's suit, all of his energy having been spent on that blow. And he sobbed against Zoro's shoulder.

Luffy felt his heart split in two. He couldn't tell who was in more pain.

The one who was crying his lungs out.

Or the one staring into thin air, who had forgotten how to cry.

* * *

Zoro used to sleep; more so than the average human. But those post-meal naps and post-workout naps and spontaneous cuddle-up-with-Luffy naps; the peaceful nights where they tried to outsnore each other; the mornings where they were too lazy to untangle their limbs and instead wasted the morning in each other's arms…well, those moments were gone.

So Zoro stopped sleeping. Instead, he spent the nights hunched over the sofa. He'd change the TV channel every five minutes or so, but whether it was Spanish soap operas or 90's action flicks, nothing really held his attention. As Luffy worriedly perched on the armrest, asking uselessly when Zoro was going to sleep, he could tell from the glazed look in Zoro's eyes: Zoro was looking for something, but it couldn't be found on the TV screen.

Every so often, a noise would come from outside the apartment door. A creak in the old wooden floors, perhaps, or a drunkard stumbling his way back home on the floor above. Zoro would jump up and make a dash for the door, while Luffy stayed in his spot. Zoro would fling the door open, breathing heavily. As he peered out toward both sides of the apartment, the source of the noise was nowhere to be found. Eventually, he would heave a long sigh, his shoulders sagging in the process. Rubbing his eyes, he would close the door (but never lock it, because Luffy had forgotten his keys that night…) and return to the sofa, Luffy's melancholic eyes following him all the way.

Zoro's attention would drift back to the TV, but the door never left his attention. He was a tightly wound spring, tense with the persistent expectation that the door would open at any moment.

* * *

Nami dropped the paper bags onto Zoro's kitchen table. "Sorry that Sanji couldn't come. He's stress cooking. Kind of like stress eating, minus the weight gain."

Nami unpacked each container as Zoro and Luffy watched silently. Normally, Luffy would have inhaled the food placed in front of him, but well; no physical hands. Also, his appetite was gone, among all his other human sensations.

"You got anything to drink?" Nami made her way to the fridge, to find that it was unbearably empty. Just several bottles of beer and... "What's this?"

"Don't. Touch that." It sounded physically painful for Zoro to voice those words.

Nami took another look at the frosted cake pan, before whispering, "Oh." For the longest time, she couldn't move from her spot as the fridge's cold vapors seeped into the tiny kitchen. Finally, after a violent shiver, she took out the rest of the six-pack, quietly closing the fridge door.

"He's been making a lot of meat." Nami continued unpacking silverware as if nothing had just happened. "Meatballs, BBQ, steak, you name it. I can't really stop him because he almost looks happy when he's cooking. But then I also have to keep him from throwing everything in the trash when he's done."

Nami stared at the small mountain of food with a slightly nauseous expression. With no small amount of resolution, she sat herself down and began making her way through the beef stroganoff. "Eat," she commanded Zoro.

Zoro sat dumfounded for a while. Eventually, something in Nami's glare made him pick up a fork and start eating too.

Luffy watched as his friends listlessly picked their way through the food. It wasn't right. Food was supposed to make people happy; make them smile and laugh and call him a glutton.

"I miss being with you guys," Luffy said to no one in particular. "Not like 'floating nearby', but actually 'being alive'… I wish I could have had more time. There are so many fun things we haven't done yet, ya know?"

He would have been crying by now, if ghosts actually could. At least it was easier to voice his thoughts without breaking down halfway through. He fixed a smile onto his face, instantly feeling the courage to continue. "But I was happy. Nami, you were like a sister to me. A stingy and bossy sister; but the best in the world."

"And Zoro," he turned to the man, whose eyes were staring blankly at his plate. "I loved you. No," Luffy tried to laugh off the sudden pang in his heart. "I still love you. Always will, you know. You made me happy. And...and I wanna see you happy too."

Nami suddenly spoke up, "It was just bad luck."

Zoro put his fork down.

"You can't keep blaming yourself like this. I mean, it's easy to; I did the same thing when Bellemere died. But you have to listen to me, Zoro. It was just bad luck."

Luffy nodded enthusiastically. "Nami's always right, ya know?"

Nami continued. "I'm not saying you have to forgive yourself right this minute, but...you have to, eventually. You're the only one who's blaming yourself. You have to realize that."

"You have to be happy too," Luffy added. "Enough for the both of us. Ok?"

"You can talk to us," Nami went on. "Any of us. Anytime. Doesn't matter if it sounds stupid in your head; just say it. We're here for you."

"It's still possible for you. Because you're still alive."

"Zoro. Don't do anything stupid, ok?"

"You gotta keep going, ok?"

Zoro didn't reply to either of them.

* * *

The sixth day after Luffy died, Zoro was once again sitting on the sofa: arms crossed, left leg tapping a slow rhythm against the carpet.

"Luffy?"

Luffy perked up, thinking foolishly for a moment that Zoro had been addressing him.

"You're not coming back… are you?"

"What are you talking about?" Luffy replied with a wobbly grin. "I came back. I've been back, this whole time."

Zoro heaved himself off the sofa. "I've been thinking about that day." He tried to chuckle. "It wasn't even a serious fight. Just us- no, mostly me, being stupid."

Luffy shook his head furiously. "It was my fault! I shouldn't have left!"

Zoro walked into the kitchen. He threaded his way through the chairs, still in disarray after Nami's visit, and opened the window. "I was waiting for you to come back. Just so I could apologize." He hoisted himself out, making his way up the fire escape to the roof above. Luffy floated through the wall to follow him.

As Zoro tread upon the roof with his bare feet, he kept talking, his voice hovering below a hoarse murmur. "You remember this place?"

"Of course I do," Luffy whispered back.

Zoro went on. "We watched the stars up here on humid summer nights."

"And the fireworks in July." Luffy gazed up into the sky, trying to picture the bright flashes.

"We caught the first snowfall in December up here."

"Yeah. Just right for hot cocoa and marshmallows."

"You brought the marshmallows, I brought the cups and the thermos."

"Because I couldn't be trusted with fragile things."

Zoro laughed weakly. "Guess I won't be coming back here again."

Luffy suddenly realized: was this the end? Was Zoro reliving these warm memories one last time, to find closure?

 _Zoro_ _'s going to forget me now._

"But it's ok for Zoro to forget me," Luffy lied to himself. He tried to bring up a smile, but for the first time in his life, he couldn't seem to summon one up. "Dammit!" Luffy pushed at the corners of his mouth, but his face refused to do the rest of the work.

Why was this so hard? All he wanted was to see Zoro off with a smile. It didn't matter if Zoro wouldn't know, so long as Zoro was happy. After this painfully silent week, he would do anything to see Zoro happy again.

So why couldn't he smile?

"Why was it you?"

Zoro's words made Luffy look up. What he saw, made his breath catch in his throat. "Zoro?"

Zoro was currently balancing against the edge of the roof. It was still pitch dark; hours from dawn. There was something frightening about the stillness, about how Zoro was the only one outside right now. He kept talking with his back to Luffy, watching the horizon.

"I was the one who wanted to leave the apartment. Before I said something I regretted. So why were you the one to run out?"

Zoro turned around, staring in the direction of the spot Luffy occupied. Once again, Luffy hoped beyond reason that Zoro could see him. But there was no moment of recognition. Just a broken Zoro with unshed tears in his eyes.

"It should have been me."

And no matter how hard Luffy screamed, no matter how far he stretched out his arms, he couldn't stop Zoro from falling.

* * *

The first thing that Zoro registered was his own blank eyes gazing up at him from the pavement. Neck bent at an unnatural angle. Tears flowing freely and blending into the growing puddle of blood.

He took a peek at his wispy hands. "Am I dead?"

Apparently, ghosts really did exist. He was handling this much better than he probably should be. If he was dead…yet his presence was somehow still anchored to the earth…

"Luffy. You're here too, aren't you?"

He started to look around. "You have to be here."

Nothing responded in the early hours of the morning.

"Please say something! You can't just leave me like this!"

Not one car passed by, nor did a breeze whistle through.

He was all alone.

"It can't be," Zoro whispered. "Is this some kind of punishment?" He wanted to gouge his eyes out. Stop seeing his mangled body, his apartment, his neighborhood. Stop seeing everything. "Are you really gone?"

"You shouldn't have jumped," a quiet voice came from nearby.

Zoro spun around to see Luffy fidgeting with his sleeve.

"You should have…" Luffy paused to find the right words to say, before he shrugged helplessly. "You weren't supposed to die too."

Zoro didn't really register what Luffy said. He just found himself embracing Luffy as hard as he could.

Luffy froze at the first physical contact since he'd died. Then he hugged back.

* * *

"So you've been by my side the whole time?"

"Mm."

"I see."

The euphoria of seeing each other again was winding down. Zoro kept staring at Luffy to make sure he was still there.

Luffy, meanwhile, was lost in his own thoughts. He had barely even come to terms with his own death; he'd been too busy watching over Zoro, hoping and wishing that he could go back to his old life, could be happy again. Even so, in that one moment, it had hurt to think that Zoro might be happy again without him around.

His own hypocrisy made him sick. Was he the reason Zoro was dead? Because he had been too selfish? Because he hadn't wished hard enough for Zoro's happiness? "How can you be acting so calm about this?" Luffy found himself directing his anger at Zoro. "How are you going to be the World's Greatest Swordsman now?!"

Zoro laughed derisively. "World's greatest, my ass. After you were gone, I just… nothing else really mattered. And what about you? What about your dreams?"

"Who cares?! I was dead. It couldn't be helped."

"But that was because I-"

"No! You didn't know, I didn't know, that truck driver didn't know. It wasn't your fault!" Luffy couldn't help letting out all the pent-up words he'd been storing when Zoro was alive. Yet now that he could say them, it was all too late.

He felt exhausted, having wasted all his energy yelling when all he wanted was to tackle Zoro with a hug and never let go. "You should have just forgotten about me. This didn't have to happen to you." He clutched at his chest; some phantom pain of churning guilt and rage and sadness refused to let him go. "It hurt to watch you."

Zoro's reply came out in a hoarse whisper, "You think it was painful watching me?" Zoro brought his hands out and grabbed onto Luffy's like it was his lifeline. "I lost you. I was waiting and waiting for you to come back, just so I could apologize. The next thing I know, someone's knocking at the door, and I have to accept the fact that I can't say sorry to your face again." Zoro squeezed his eyes shut, resting his head against Luffy's chest. "Can't eat with you, can't fight and make up with you, can't wake up with you against my side, can't say hi, see you later, I'm glad you're here, I miss you, I love you, I love you, I love you; I couldn't do any of those things. Because I had lost you for good."

And I lost you, Luffy thought bitterly. Just look at where we ended up. Even so, he had to admit that it wasn't the same at all. He had been by Zoro's side the whole time. But Zoro had to struggle with the idea that Luffy just didn't exist anymore.

Luffy let out a heavy sigh. There was no going back, even if they wanted to. Yeah, it wasn't the best of situations, and he hadn't wanted this for either of them, but now that they were here...

Luffy squeezed back. As he did so, he noticed a slight warmth between their hands. It slowly dissipated throughout their bodies, and he watched as he and Zoro started to become even more translucent than before. There was also a weird feeling in his mind: contentment, finality. Zoro raised his head, and from the look in his eyes, he was feeling the same.

"I'm guessing it's time to go," Luffy calmly said.

"Go? Go where?"

"Dunno; wherever all the ghosts go?" After all, there was nothing left for them here.

Zoro gripped Luffy's hand even harder.

"Zoro?"

"I can't let you go," Zoro breathed. "Not again."

"Yeah." Luffy brought his other hand up to cover Zoro's callused knuckles. "Me neither."

"What's gonna be on the other side?"

Luffy couldn't answer that.

"Do you think we'll ever see each other again?"

He couldn't answer that either. Even so, he put on his bravest smile and gave a comforting squeeze of his hands. "Well, I'm certainly not going to let you go. Are you?"

Luffy couldn't tell if Zoro had seen through his bluff or not. The now-wispy Zoro eventually gave a carefree smirk. "Never."

Together they faded, gazing at each other until the very end, for as long as they possibly could. And then they were gone.

By now, a light drizzle had started in the neighborhood. The tears on Zoro's lifeless body were washed away by the softly pouring rain; as if they'd never existed in the first place.


End file.
